Scars Old & New, Never Borrowed Always Blue

One thing people don’t talk about much is the guilt that remains after you leave and rebuild. My ex, now in his 50’s, never had any more children nor remarried. Holidays when I had our daughter, there were always intrusive thoughts about him spending his alone.

Even though he chose his behaviour and continues to, for my daughter and I this wasn’t what we wanted for him. The sad part of the story would always be that he did not do his work, heal, apologize, go to therapy, find positive supports…whatever one chooses to do to grow, he chose not to do any of it.

For my daughter seeing her dad create this life is at times heart breaking. I have learned to compartmentalize my guilt for the most part, always reminding myself we all have choices. The guilt has got better over time, but there still is empathy for him despite the narcissistic abuse that brought us all here.

This past weekend was one of those situations where the guilt and sadness was consuming for my daughter. My ex had gone for surgery (something he felt inclined to do but nothing necessary), and he put himself in a position of a recovery without anybody to care for him. My daughter talked to him over facetime post surgery, and she knew he should have had someone with him. It broke her heart because there wasn’t anyone and made her feel terribly guilty that she did not assume she should take that role.

She cried.

She cried for not being there, maybe not wanting to be there, and she cried for the ‘why’. Why did he feel he needed this surgery?

“He wants someone to love him,” she said to me. That’s a hard truth for a child to reconcile about a parent.

I too was worried about him and it brought up a lot of feelings which led to questions from my other three children as to what happened in our marriage. They are old enough now to hear some truths and it was a tough conversation for all of us.

After a couple days to reflect, I realize inside and out our scars will always be there…

Wounds tear us apart. Scars stitch us together. Wounds eventually heal. Some scars are deep and some are surface level. Wounds can change everything or nothing at all. The scars though they may fade forever changing the landscape.

She took his hand, led him out behind the bar

Raised up her shirt and she showed him her scars

These are my testament, they're always with me

I need you to know how this will be

~ J. Cuddy, Scars