9 out of 10 Dentists say…

Jaime Burnham
Jun 23
3 min read

If you are in one of those relationships that you swear, “one day they’ll change”…let me tell you 9 out of 10 ex spouses of narcissists say ‘no they will not’. Changing would mean admitting fault, recognizing poor behaviour, apologizing to those you’ve mistreated and most importantly seeking professional help. I have never witnessed any of that.

I was definitely that girlfriend and then wife, that so desperately wanted change, convinced myself I could make it happen. I could create the perfect home (even moving homes to one I thought would make him happy…it was bigger, expensive, private), I could take the brunt of the housework and our professional work (to give him more free time for his friends and sports), I could be the best parent, best daughter in law, best wife, best friend….best best best.

I literally ‘bested’ myself to 110 pounds, anxiety attacks and exhaustion. In this dynamic (empath and narcissist: read my first blog) is that the narcissist KNOWS you are what they need for a better life and they don’t care the impact their poor behaviour has on you. They will bleed your heart and soul dry to achieve advance themselves and shine perfection to onlookers. They won’t flinch as to how you may be suffering as they take. Their needs are the only ones that count. When you finally start to realize this isn’t working and speak up, they’ll twist truths and gas light…so you continue doing anything to hope they change.

But they don’t.

I’m 14 years post divorce and let me tell you a story that happened just last month. Now I no longer have contact with him but obviously we still share our daughter. Unfortunately she now takes the brunt of his self centred behaviour.

For the last 10 years, her dad has been suggesting, often guilt tripping her to attend school in Toronto (where he lives). I get it he wants her to be closer. First highschool (an arts school that would be better than our country schools) then university (Toronto has the best schools). And it wasn’t that her or I were against a school in Toronto but his pressure was solely based on his needs.

So this spring, my daughter does apply to Toronto Metropolitan University, she is an artsy girl and the school has a great program for her interests. She gets into TMU and thinks, ‘I finally have some news to share that is going to make my dad happy’. (Sound familiar??) She calls her father to tell him she is planning to go to school in Toronto and his response is, “ is that the school you really want? University of Toronto is a better one.”

I want to scream from the roof all the way to his boujee apartment in downtown Toronto ‘What in the actual F@$K?’ !!! But I don’t, and I don’t call him or text him or snail mail him a letter that says ‘what is wrong with you!!??’. I just tell my daughter what she needs to hear and that I’m proud of her…and that I’m so sorry ….

…he has not changed.

A week later it’s her highschool graduation, he calls that afternoon asking for the address to the ceremony. But he does not show…

…and 9 out of 10 of us knew he wouldn’t.