I Love You, I’m Sorry

One page of my story I have rarely, if ever, shared is from the days of my first pregnancy while with Alex. Through the years of healing and reflection since, I have come to realize this particular incident was one of the most painful. The shame and heartache it caused is what has always lead me to keep it buried.

What is odd is that it isn’t the worst thing that happened over those 10 years of being in a narcissistic abusive relationship. There are other pages that to a reader or confident sound much more traumatic. But for me it’s a moment in time that still causes uncomfortable feelings and great sadness.

Perhaps, it’s for the obvious fact that I was pregnant for the first time and with that comes so many new feelings. Fear, love, excitement, anxiety…Perhaps, it’s because as a women you are in such a delicate transition. If you are lucky your partner recognizes this and cares for you and protects you. If you are lucky….

We had signed up for prenatal classes…’woot woot’ first time parents ‘now what in the heck are we doing’! I was grateful and albeit shocked he had agreed to take part. Typically he spent most evenings out with friends.

At about day three of classes came the maternal massage exercise. I chance to teach the husbands how they could massage their soon to be mamas backs, to relieve the pain of carrying a baby and the childbirth to come. All the husbands lined up behind their wives as the demo began. The wives leaning forward on props to enjoy some pampering. (my first child was over 9 pounds!) My ex lasted two minutes offering this care, and then announced to the class it was “his turn”. He promptly stopped massaging my back set up in his own chair and gave me the look of pidder padder let’s go my turn. I was mortified.

And I did it. While all the mothers were being massaged , I massaged my husband’s back in prenatal class. To save face perhaps? To laugh off the humiliation? My heart drops even to write this and think of 29 year old pregnant me in that situation. The things I would have been much braver to say today in response to his behaviour were not yet there at 29 carrying my first child.

I want to tell her “I’m sorry” , “you deserved so much more”.

It’s classic narcissist behaviour though …of course I had absolutely no idea. He couldn’t give the caring attention to me, even pregnant. The focus had to be on him. The embarrassment and hurt was mine. I pushed it down. Here I am 50 years old, still letting it percolate. It’s time to release it. To give that young mom-to-be freedom, grace; she made it, she flourished despite his attempts to eliminate her spirit. She is still me.

If this resonates with you, I hope you find your freedom too. You deserve it all.

Much love, Jaime

"The way life goes

Joyriding down our road

Lay on the horn to prove that it haunts me

I love you, I'm sorry” - G Abrams